Monday, October 18, 2010

Mourning is a funny thing...

If you haven't heard by now my Mom had a New Beginning in Heaven on Oct. 7.  It has been a long summer with her knee becoming so inflamed and painful she couldn't walk on it and those idiots at the ER didn't even bother to try and drain it so mom suffered with that for just over 2 months when on Monday Sept. 27 she had some sort of heart or stroke event which prompted Dad to call 911.  They wanted to admit her because the enzymes were indicating a heart attack on the horizon but they had to transfer her to another hospital for monitoring because they had no open beds.  As she was getting ready to go her BP dropped out and her HR went sky high they gave her medicine to bring it back in line and then transferred her.  Of course all of us kids went to the hospital immediately and by that time Dad had made the decision that only comfort measures be given.  He had a hard time with this and I'm glad we were there to support him.  He had already been up for over a day with only cat naps as he does.  The next 10 days were really rough like a roller coaster.  By Tue evening Mom was able to make sense again with her words, earlier in the day she had thoughts but the right words weren't coming out of her mouth so being able to talk again was a great improvement.  Wed. morning dawned grey but Mom was much much better to the point where she could eat and although I fed her some or her breakfast she ate the rest of it.  Dad had gotten some sleep in the reclining chair but I really just couldn't sleep so I held Mom's hand and thought of the good times and how tired I was... LOL but Wed. was a good day and my sister from WA had flown in the in the early morning and got there about 11.  I stayed with them till late afternoon then needed to come home and get some rest. 

Since Mom was doing so well I assumed, and we all know what that makes out of you and me.... that Pat was going to spend some time with Mom and Dad  but she didn't and I was furious when I found out Dad spend the whole day alone until evening when Jill and Jack and Sam went down.  Daddy sounded so tired and worn out when I called Thurs. evening and then didn't sound much better when I called in the morning that I canceled my Friday appts. on my book and took off for the hospital. I spent the most wonderful day with my parents that day and was sorry I couldn't have spent the day before with them but I thought Pat would want to spend some time alone with Mom while she was doing better.  But it was a wonderful day and I enjoyed my parents then very much!

Kay went with me on Sat. morning and she got to see her gram when she would look over at her and smile with recognition we made a game of her eating, which she really didn't want to do, but I would say "ohh one more bite,,, it will make Kayla happy...."  and she would look over at Kayla and she would say "YAY Grandma"  Mom would smile and take another bite.  Most of the other kids were in that day to spend time with them.  It was good because Mom knew us and enjoyed seeing us, and I think in her own way she was trying to connect because she knew it was getting close to the end.

She continued to decline through the next few days, still being semi lucid at times enough to recognize us and ask for us.  I helped the Hospice nurse when they started Monday to bath her a couple times and we were trying to keep her as comfortable as possible.  We kids took turns staying with Daddy so he wouldn't be alone. 

On Wed Dad and Joyce when to make the funeral arrangements, it was good to get Dad out of the hospital but I think it was hard for him to do it.  He didn't want anything no personal stuff sitting around like photos or anything  nothing not even a slide show,, with calling hours just an hour and a half before the funeral mass at the church. 

I think that was the hardest day for my Dad and I wish I could  have shouldered his pain that day, I'm glad Joyce was there to help with all of it.  She did a great job.  I will forever be thankful to her.

I was there most of the day on Wed. with Pat which was a horrible day she just has soooo many demons of her own that she took it out on me more than once that week.  I hope someday she can rid herself of them.  I've been told many times that she is jealous of me which I find totally preposterous I am nothing special to be jealous of.   I had learned one thing though at a young age which some never learn and some learn much later in life and that is to live without regrets.  I make choices based on that one thing.  When the kids were little and I was debating as to let them go in cars with other people I thought about that.  It did make me a more cautious parent I do believe, but if something had happened I wouldn't have had the guilt of "why didn't I" and I applied this to all other aspects of my life too, especially when it came to my parents getting older, and I worried about them and loved spending time with them so it was a good thing all around. 

Mom and I had talked about her quality of life, or lack there of, and how she wanted to do things but her body just wouldn't cooperate, and then as the years went on she got to the point where even her mind didn't want to do anything but sit and watch TV.  She told me she wished they wouldn't have brought her back when she was on the respirator the last time.  So I knew she was OK with it and told her that I would be OK if she were to go.  When I think back those were some of the best times with Mom and that drive let us talk a lot about life and my kids and her relationships and such.  So I have no regrets as to my Mom passing I am having a bit of sadness and missing her just this past day or two but it is OK and I'll be just fine as we all will.

Now on to the "funny" thing about mourning,,,, it is a sneaky thing; things will be going just fine and it sneaks up on you and wham there ya go just blubbering for no apparent reason. It also provokes people to do things differently that they normally would because of a feeling or an experience. Which is a good thing most of the time unless one lets a bitterness seep in and take them over.  I pray that none of us ever have to feel that. 

I know this sounds so analytical but that is how I usually try to think of things in that way when they are too close to my heart.  Speaking of which (I sell Close To My Heart scrapbooking stuff) I plan to make a nice memory album in memory of Mom. 

So I'm sure that as time goes on I will cling to the good memories and that will only bring me continued joy.  So mourning is a funny thing.

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