Truly a New Beginning....

This blog was originally named New Beginnings because it was renamed to be a reg. blog not a vacation one, however little did I know it was going to take on a whole new meaning.

I have a new beginning which for some see as a great thing but yet others have done everything from cry when I told them to getting angry and down right mean.  It has not been an easy "new beginning" but easier than some have had it.  I have left my husband and am living in a small apt. with the cat... Huntzberger and to be honest I am happier for the most part than I have been in years.  I never really knew why I was rather depressed for a long time.  I knew things weren't exactly as I would like them with Don but I thought I could deal with it and accept him for all that he is more or less.  

I have struggled with being happy for the last decade or so but I always had the kids as a distraction and could convince myself I was happy with the way things were.  The last few years however with the kids growing away more and more and the solitude and lack of physical love and human emotion became more and more prevalent in my life. I no longer could journal and find the good or the humor in things and I eventually had to take medication to help and then it needed to be increased.  I realized with the terminal illness that finally took my mother in law that I didn't want to live a life I couldn't honestly say I was happy living. After caring for her for the last few months of her life and seeing what it was like at the end I decided I wanted to live life to the fullest potential I can. I think I knew for a long time that I needed a New Beginning but was just to complacent and scared to go forward.

I  love my little apt.  it isn't much to look at but well.. the landlord is the sweetest thing on feet and ohhh he is British and ohhh man he has the most wonderful accent so I  love talking to him well actually listening to him and he has the greatest stories. I noticed the gutter was coming loose and called him the other day to let him know it would cost him an arm and a leg to repair them before it got ripped out with the next big rain.  So I invited him in for coffee... he is just tooo funny.  I love visiting with him.  He is entirely too funny, and has the bluest eyes... mmm 

I guess this might be a bomb for some but for the most part I want to begin "journaling" again, time permitting I also have a full time job working at a hotel as a night auditor.  I love it!!!  It works for me!! 

I am very happy and like getting to know me again.  I didn't realize how much I policed my behavior, so it is all a good thing.  I hope Don is as happy as I am... my intentions were not to hurt him and it really is a no fault situation neither of us did anything blatantly wrong, sometimes stuff just happens.  I hope the kids can, with time, realize that we are better off apart than together and can adjust to that. (more to come on that subject)

So I am needing to be heading off to bed but I thought I would share with my friends I have missed and I hope will still be there to read what I might have to say.  :)

You know what they say....

As you get older time speeds up... well I am truly believing this because it just seems like the days have sped by for me this past couple of months...

Sooooo much has happened since July 2011,,,, Sept. '11 Mother in law was diagnosed with cancer of the colon or ovaries and since it has been there since Jan and has been growing aprox. 1 cm a month to become an 8 cm mass they said there was nothing they could do,,, so she came home and I took care of her best I could and she passed away on Feb 8, 2012.  My marriage is beyond the rocks and headed for the burmuda triangle...  went sorta nuts and was an emotional mess from about OHHH mid Dec. till about mid March I would say but doing way better now.  I got a job as a night auditor just 2 nights a week at the Holiday Inn Express in town.  Loving it!!! Started that the week before my birthday! April arrived and Paul graduated from college...

I am so proud of my boy,,,,, he also got a job at the University at Buffalo or UB as a techincal specialist,,, pretty much doing the same job he was doing at Pitt!  YAY so we spent 3 day looking for finding and securing an apt. and the next week 3 days moving him in.  He is all settled and happy  had his first 2 days and is liking it!  So it is all good. So time has been flying by and I dont' seem to get anything done...LOL Here are some photos the first one is his dinner the night before....graduation and the others are at graduation.

I will try (Iknow I say this all the time) to do better posting here.  I miss writing.  :)

More trouble than their worth?

As you might know I have a cat.  I say I and not we as if anything were to happen to the cat I would be the one paying for it soooo I have a cat even though the family really likes him, even if they won't say it!  My cat was born outside and I came by him out of my hate of hypocrisy. I don't like when people don't take responsibility for animals they obtain and the newness wears off so they just let them run-a-muck! Well we have had some cats that are feral and usually stayed away from the house but this one had kittens and I saw them out the window and was like OHHH good more mousers!  Well at the time my precious doggy was very old and would only eat her dog food if it had water on it, and once the water was soaked up she wouldn't eat it so I was regularly throwing dog food out  off my deck not thinking of course who I might be feeding well... Momma showed the babies where a food source was and went on her way,,, leaving 4 kittens, cute ones... to fend for themselves.  OHHH what an idiot I am.


A word to the wise here, think about what you want to do and how it might affect the environment!


So now I have 4 kittens on my deck crying for food, which I take responsibility whether I did it on purpose or not, I was feeding those kittens who would die if I didn't keep it up.  So I begin the adopting of these feral kittens and they won't let us touch them, OK fine they disappear, problem solved, 2 come back, problem not solved, try to give them away can only catch one! So all I have left is the grey fuzzy one who is rather cute but very very skitish.  Over the summer we get him sorta tamed along with a cute black and white one, which get given away to a good friend who loves cats! Short and long (I know too late) I get him fixed and he is welcomed inside and is a good kitty.  Till he believes he needs to feed us and brings us a mouse which isn't dead and is loose in the house freaking the kids out.  What wuss!  Ok I was something of a wuss when it was in on my dresser at the foot of my bed one night.  I freaked but I put traps out and we caught him and returned him to nature well less well than when he left it.  However when this was all going on, where was the stupid cat?  The one who brought home food or toy not sure which was on his mind at the time. I'm thinking toy because he wasn't dead. He was outside and wouldn't come in when we called as dusk.  No doubt wondering where is toy was... stupid cat!  

Well that was a few weeks ago maybe a month, and Don told me last night he felt something crawl up his leg and it wasn't the cat. GRRR!  When did he do this again?????  Guess I'll be buying some more of those sticky box traps to put around and maybe some snappy ones under the couch.  

So tell me why do I have more mice in the house with a can then when we didn't have a cat???  Is he more trouble than he's worth???  

I guess my dad was right when he said cats were pets just like wives.  You feed them, give them shelter, take care of them (debatable with my hubby) and all you get is some amusement if your lucky!  Yes I'm a pet... good thing I amusing!  Good thing the cat is cute and has the ability to supposedly lower my blood pressure but I'm not sure about that either!

Anyone want a cat?  He's cute!

Just a thought...

about Bin Ladin... noooo I've wasted enough of my life thinking and talking about him and his kind.  So I will be asking a quick question Why do most people have a look or pain on their face when they are jogging/running?  I noted the few people who were running today while I was out and about did not look to be enjoying their activity. As a matter of fact most of them looked like they were just told they would be having a brazillian wax every day!  So... if anyone knows why people do something that makes them make such a horrible face feel free to post a comment.

I'm ready for spring!

I do believe that sometimes I admit to sticking my head in the sand an ignoring things, and I sometimes think this is a good thing, however... hummm maybe these days it isn't.  These are just a few of the thoughts floating about in my head.  

Picture this if you will a large pond or lake, body of water, with pretty trees and flowers and benches but in a very private place, a serene place. Now imagine looking out over the water seeing many thing floating there. This is the inside of my head... well my reality, I guess you would say,,, I know much prettier in the visual description than the anatomy description, so we will stick with that.  Right now my pretty serene place is full to the brim with "seaweed" if you will of thoughts.  Here are just a few pieces of "seaweed" from today, "why am I letting every little thing bother me?" "Why am I so unhappy no depressed??"  "Why do I feel guilt over not feeling more grief over mom's loss?"  "Why do I feel like something is winding me up until I explode in either anger or tears?"  "Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?"  "Am I buying into a fad "condition" (meaning depression), or is this a real problem relating to hormones." "Is this a self imposed pressure cooker I'm in??" 

All these things are clouding my nice clear visage of a beautiful smooth lake with all the goodness around it unable to be reflected. Is it just a winter thing?  Am I not getting enough Vit. D & K because I don't eat a nice balanced diet.  Will spring be the answer to clear the "seaweed" away and show my inner beauty again?  Will the spring rains cleanse away the debris?  

In any case I am ready for spring and really want to see green grass and feel warmth on my face. 

Defining Moments In Time

We’ve all experienced moments that have changed our lives, the big ones like getting married and having a baby and other monumental events that change our lives forever, well just till we die.  Today I don’t want to talk about obvious defining moments I am thinking of moments that sneak up on you and you may or may not know they are defining moments.  

I can honestly say I haven’t ever rushed into a burning building to rescue someone or even push someone out of the way of an oncoming bus.  Ok I can’t say I have done anything remotely like that and for the most part I am the most boring average person you will ever meet.  So my defining moments are those that have that have changed me in a way that changes the way I see the world or react to situations in a drastically different way or even helped me to understand where others point of view.  I have had occasion to realize one of those moments which when it occurred I didn’t see it for what it was I had to do a lot of processing and I do mean a few years of processing to get to the place I am now.  Funny how unless something is tested we aren’t even sure that a change has taken place.  I’m sure you will understand more after this story which by the way is true to the best of my recollection.  

Go back a few Thanksgivings….. I’m not sure of the year but I am sure of the event.  My Dad calls and says Mom is running a temperature and will be taking her to Greenville’s ER, now this is about a week after a “sludge removal” procedure done in at UPMC hospital in Pittsburgh.  Yes “sludge removal” was the ohh so technical term for an ERCP which for the life of me I can’t remember what each letter stands for but it was to remove sludge from the common bile duct.  A common complication this procedure  is pancreatitis, which is terribly painful but easily treated with no food for 2 to 3 days just IV fluids then clear liquids then soft food and you are good to go.  The other complication is where the bile duct, stomach or small intestine gets ruptured which causes sepsis that can lead to death at the worst and at best the shutdown of organs temporarily, been there done that with Mom, wasn’t a good time, but that is a whole other story.  This didn’t scare me much because I figured it was the pancreatitis and not sepsis so I knew it wasn’t overly life threatening so I told Dad that I would be down as soon as I could.  In the meantime they decided that since the procedure was done in Pittsburg they weren’t going to mess with admitting her there and send her right down where the procedure was first done, Joyce I do believe was with him and so I wasn’t worried.

The next day was Thanksgiving and by late evening everyone knew about Mom being down in Pittsburgh and the last time she was there she ended up on life support.  Anyhow… I decided that they shouldn’t be down there alone on the holiday so I was going to go down in the morning and for the most part the rest of the family would straggle down at some point being a holiday and all.  So I packed up Daddy a plate of dinner but before I could get out of here Joyce called and said Sue was panicked and she was too afraid to drive in the city but wanted to go ASAP.  I was like,,, inner groan… yeah so I called her and she wanted to go and being the nice sister I am I picked her up and took her. 

Things between have been rather stressed between us to put it mildly, and for years I have been trying to get my older siblings to like me and want to do stuff with me, but for the most part they weren’t having any of it.  So the ride down went OK but I felt a very large pink elephant sitting in the back seat the whole 2 hour drive but we chatted about nothing to pass the time.  The visit went well and it was just as I expected and Mom was already on the mend.  

Here is where the defining moments come in to play, on the way home that very large elephant would not be ignored any longer. Finally at one point Sue asks me, “What do you want from me?”  I answered with “I want you to love me like a sister.”  Then the moment came and with crashing reality my sister said to me, “but I have never thought of you as a sister.”  I was dumbstruck.  What do you say to that!  So I cried, and tried not to cry but failed as I finished the drive home with her telling me about how Mom wasn’t there for her and wasn’t a real grandma to her kids and so on and so forth then she went on to explain that I worried too much about having friends and I needed to learn to only need my family (husband and kids) and not worry about the rest.  Well needless to say I was so hurt I had idolized her my whole life!  So I dropped her at her house and come home, one hurt and rejected piece of a person.  More or less she didn’t think of me as a sister and didn’t need/want any more friends.  That ride back from Pittsburgh was one of the most defining times of my life concerning my siblings. 

I have always wanted to be loved and accepted by my older siblings and I do mean older Pat is 22 yrs. my sr., she is the oldest and moved out before I was born, and the youngest of the older 4 is 14 yrs. my sr.  We three younger kids who were raised together are really close, but they are more accepted by the older ones, but me nope! 

Fast forward to a bit over 2 weeks ago, Mom is dying in the hospital and all 7 of us kids are coming to spend time with her.  Pat flies in from WA and we are keeping someone there with Daddy all the time.  Well, I always knew I had screwy issues with my siblings but not with my parents I was very close to my Mom.  We spent a lot of time together over the years so I have no regrets and nothing that has went unsaid and I realized that Mom loved me and did the very best she could while raising me, that is all a child can ask in my opinion.  Apparently Sue who from that fateful night had her own demons concerning Mom but she was very quiet about it.  I know she had trouble with it but I tried to comfort her.  Pat on the other hand just had man demons and when she was helping the hospice nurse give her a bath Mom called asked for me, which really kicked her jealousy into overdrive since it was her fault I wasn’t there. Earlier she has literally dragged me from the room like a misbehaving little child and then chastised me. She must have missed the memo that I was now 44 and not 4!  I was upset and needed to go blow off some steam and talk myself out of doing bodily harm!  Just as I was hurry out to leave Joyce pulled us aside to ask about Mom’s obituary when I went to leave I told Joyce I trusted that whatever it was she did would be perfect and I said bye and turned to go, well not sure what happened, but the next thing I know Pat said “I love you” and I must have had a look on my face because she gave me that mommy look that says you are in big trouble and put her finger to lips like to shush me!  I have no idea what that was about but I turned and left.  Sorry it has taken so long to get to here, but another defining moment is coming right up! 

As I was driving home (I had an hour) I realized that I no longer wanted or needed my older siblings to either like me or acknowledge me, and that Sue wasn’t trying to be hurtful or malicious she was just being honest with her feelings and while it hurt me horribly I am glad she didn’t lie to me she just told me how it was.  When Pat told me she loved me the only thing I could think of was, what??  You don’t even know me and pretty much have thought and said not so nice things about me behind my back.  At this point I realized that when Sue was honest and I was hurt it was what I needed to let go of lots of issues I had and to allow others to claim their own and be responsible for them.  I felt sorry for Sue, even though she knew Mom at a different time in her life than I did and has so many issues she was losing her mom too, while I was hurting because I was losing a person who was a big part of my everyday life I had no regrets and it was OK for me to let her go.  I had a harder time coming up with sympathy for Pat who at a few different times that week yelled at me and was less than civil to me but I do forgive her mostly because she is so filled with emotions such as regret, guilt, and even though I can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would be jealous of me but yes I do think she was carrying some of that too.  I hope that both my sister’s can overcome their ‘demons’ and remember the love that our mom had for them, she wasn’t perfect but she loved us with every fiber of her being.  

So one defining moment a few years ago lead to another one, and because of that first one I found a sense of peace.  I was able to hold my tongue and still be nice to Pat even though she was something of a shrew to me a few times. I do pray for both of them. 

Not all defining moments are monumental some aren’t even recognizable for what they are till you can realize the impact they have had on you.  I can now lay to rest all the issues I have with my older siblings and know I am good person and I’m less screwed up than I thought I was.  I don’t need their approval or even their friendship if they aren’t offering it.  Now all I have to do is not get irritated at the stupid things they say!  That I doubt will ever change. 

How Are You?

I’m sure you noticed that people often ask you when something has happened in your life, “How are you doing?”  I haven’t figured out how to respond to this question yet.  “How are you?” used to be just a benign question that no one really wanted a sincere answer to, but it has taken on more feeling and meaning since Mom died and I don’t know how to answer it. 

I used to say “Ohhh I’m just wonderful and you?”  That just doesn’t cut it; they look at me with a worried expression, like I’m not dealing or something.  I’m dealing just fine, I think,,, but saying that is awkward and not an expected answer.  So what do you say when some asks??  Are they being concerned for my emotional welfare and wanting to know exactly how I am doing or are they just really asking “how are you?”  as a greeting and not really knowing anything has gone on that would make me other than “wonderful?”  

I never really thought I would have this much trouble answering such a simple question,,, really there is only 2 answers that apply, I am Ok or I am not Ok.  I guess if I started answering with I’m  not OK people would then become concerned that something is really wrong but then again if I answer I’m OK then do they get concerned that I’m just saying that when I’m not really OK.  

I’m also wondering here this morning how long this goes on?  When will “wonderful” be an excepted answer to this question whether it is asked out of concern or just a greeting?  

I guess I’m in that whole 2 yr old mentality of asking “Why” this morning.  I really want to get back to writing on a regular basis and this is a good reason to I do believe, however I don’t want to go back to mundane “Yep, this is what I’m doing today.”  I want to sharpen my skills and write using words not heard in normal conversation or basic text.  I was think I wanted to write either thought provoking passages or interesting content but unfortunately I need to read great works to get back to writing like a writer not just someone who puts words on the paper.  

This was inspired by Kayla who is re-submitting her grad school applications and needed help with her essays.  She would write them and I would help with the grammar and vocabulary.  It was fun, well it would have been more fun however had I had the time to concentrate and enjoy it, but that was during the 10 days while Mom was in the hospital which now seems something of a blur.  Nonetheless I am going to try some writing exercises if I can find any online and see if I can’t push myself beyond the same old same old.  

Amazingly enough it has only taken me all day to write this.  Ok so I worked and had dinner and enjoyed some goofing off fun with Don and Kay!