Evolution HUMMM

The thing about relationships is every single one we have make us evolve (change is such a negative word) a bit some more than others and some people more than others.While a leopard can't change it's spots it is essentially a leopard and will do the survival leopard things he will evolve a bit say when he comes into contact with a human who shoots at him or accidentally almost runs him over with a car or something yep that leopard learned, grew, evolved from that relationship albeit short relationship. Humans do that same thing we all say "I hate change," yeah for the most part yep I hate change or evolution on a small scale, but as I look at my life and see how I have evolved into what I am today, it's amazing.

Some changes that have happened in my life that at the time I really despised were, Mom going to work when I was little (about 3), being put into a Catholic School for 7th grade, the loss of a close high school friend and boyfriend, these were all changes I had no control over but everyone of those changes has helped me to evolve.

Then there are the other changes, changes we our selves bring about that we hate are those changes that can cause measurable pain, for me it was my divorce, but for my sanity and happiness it had to happen or I wouldn't have done it, it wasn't a decision I made over night it was a matter of years of thinking and agonizing and those of you who really know me well know what I mean by agonizing.

This Evolving Process isn't just about the changes we hate but changes for the good.. and there have been plenty mostly choices that brought about change and a few of those were, getting married, having my kids, adopting Huntzberger aka Bear, and more recently choosing to move 150 miles to be with some of the most wonderful people in the world, not that my friends and family in Meadville weren't, but these people are just as wonderful and love me just as much in such a short amount of time! The interesting thing about this process is the changes that affect me either type, touch those in my life which cause them to evolve too. The changes in my life are seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of society but how we react to this process is directly effected by society and therefore an integral part of society, so by the evolution process we experience personally on a daily basis is a part of how we evolve as a society.

I know as surely as I'm breathing there will be more changes, changes in the form of choices and changes that will happen that I can't do a darn thing about which I guess helps us keep evolving into who we will be when the time comes for the final and last change

Hummm beginning to see a theme!

I tend to notice patterns in my  life!  And I have noticed a 4 day pattern,,, soo let me see,,, if I can find even  more than the obvious 4's that have been invading my life... or maybe it is the universe trying to tell me to play the big 4 lottery???

Well I wrote a post about the band-aide philosophy that fiasco was 4 days... a friday till Tue...

Then there was the Sun evening through Thurs evening meet and greet with a very very sweet guy who of course like everyone else lives 3 hrs away,,, hummm bet I could stretch it out to be 4!  

Next and most current is I have 4 days off and going to go camping with a Yahoo friend... this should be rather interesting, and the drive is about get this 4 hours give or take.

Hummm lets see,,, I just need one more to have a complete set of 4!  I just wanted to share my Quad fecta!!!  I am hoping to have a really good time I plan on take a bunch of scrapbooking and cardmaking stuff to work on.  :) I better get packing if i am to leave on my Sat through Wed adventure and I will let you all know how much fun I have when I get back!

Time, Another New Guy, and Opportunities!

I wonder why time grows bigger and better wings the older we get?? !  Lets see when I was a kid didn't really know or care about time,,, except for how far from Christmas it was!  When I was a teen I didn't think it could pass fast enough there was always something I wasn't old enough to do so I wanted time to pass quickly to be able to do that something,,, then all that important stuff happened,,, married, kids, time was the best then,,, I enjoyed every min and cherished it!  Absolutely amazing space of time... then it started to speed up as the kids were growing and before I knew it the days turned into weeks months and then the reminiscence of the years the kids were in school and then college... and now... the weeks fly by with little fanfair! 

I always thought that it was silly when people got all upset over certain milestone birthdays... I still don't do that but I get the whole "life is toooo short" thing! Although then I think to myself truly living is getting the most out of every min. choosing to enjoy the moment that is here and now, for we don't know when it is all over, we hope we have years to come but we don't really know for sure. So.... I am choosing to enjoy what life has to offer right now!  

Right now I have lots to enjoy,,, lets see,,, I have met a new person... yep another one.. and yeah I know they usually don't last long... LOL but... he is sweet, good hearted, sincere, happy, has some of the same interests as I do, and some of the same goals... one of which is to just be happy... I hope he is as into me as I am into him.  He is alot younger than I am ,, and it is too funny that we were both thinking the other one was closer to our age than what it really was, but he isn't jailbait so alls fair in love and war right??  He doesn't have a problem so why should I.  I am sure we will talk about it again,,, I want to make sure he understands the big picture and let him make the decision to go forward with or without me. The funny thing is I find him sooo interesting I can't wait to get to see him again to just talk about what he has done and learned.  I can't wait to share anything and everything with him.  Talking to him is like a good book,,, one you can't put down one that you don't want to ever end.  

I am not real big on the whole new dating scene but I am trying to make the best of it.  Unfortunately working nights and not going to bars and living under a rock doesn't make things easy for local dating.  He is from W VA  giggle I know he does have all his teeth,,,and has never dated a cousin!  He actually spent most of his life in the New England states anyway.  He also has better sewing machines than I do...now there is a man after my own heart! He works hard and doesn't want anything handed to him.  He really impressed the hell right out of me!

Hey speaking of that,,, I was working the other night when this guy and his friends came into the hotel and I checked them in and a bit later they came down to head to the store and when they came back the 2 guys stopped at the desk and he gave me his business card and told me I impressed the hell out of him and he wants me to apply at the company he works at and would like me to use him as a reference if I were wanting to relocate.  I am seriously thinking about it!  Life is worth living right??  I have almost 2 yrs in the hotel business and a few years in the restaurant business, and 18 yrs of being self employed customer service doing hair.  Yeah I think I am can handle customer service.  I also had an offer with a lady I met at the perfume counter at Macy's who wants me to get my resume together to help place me in a better paying job!  Sooo I need to get to work on that!  Speaking of working,,, it is 3 pm already and I need to get some sleep!

Before I go I like to toot my own horn a bit this past week,,, I have done a few projects to improve my home... first I turned my door around and did 90% of the work but did have to have Don come and help me which didn't take much time once he was here.  That makes my apt sooo much nicer and now when you enter you come into the kitchen/all-purpose area instead of the bedroom and with the door opening the other way,,, it can open all the way up the old way it hit the doorway! The next thing I did was today I put up a new clock in the all-purpose room and finally I got at it and replaced that broken toilet seat!  I had a devil of a time getting it off... some idiot didn't use plastic bolts they used a metal one that of course rusted solid and getting it off what a nightmare without having a grinder or a decent cutting wheel for my drummel, but I did finally get it off and was pretty proud of myself! We won't tell anyone about the big chip in the bottom of the hole where the bolt to holds the seat on.  It works!  OHHH now I just need to get the kitchen table fixed and more crap organized for the yard sale which has to be postponed because of work,,, I guess there are a few people with kids graduating and my relief is now on the front desk 3 days and he will be needed on those weekends so I will be having to swap some nights off the next couple of weeks! OYY!  Ohh well.. lets see... it can't all be bad.  I'll find something fun!

Now I'm yawning so I'm going to post this and head off to bed! I hope all is well for everyone reading this!

Band-Aide philosophy

I'm sure we have all heard it said to "just rip it off quickly" when it comes to band aides, well the same philosophy can be applied to many painful situations, like breaking up with someone, or actual band aides, getting your broken finger set are just a few of the situations that it is better to just do it quickly and move on so the sting/pain can go away, and you can get on with life!  

I have been dating for what 8 to 10 months now... hummm let see,,, most of the people I haven't cared enough about to even think of this philosophy but this past day or so I have thought of nothing but that!  The band aid was only 4 days old when it decided it best to be ripped off which honestly hurt like hell.  How can that short of a time period cause a rip that bad??  Then to find out that removal of said band aid was not necessarily the band aid's first desire but more of a prior commitment.  I had not intended for this band aide to become so attached as I knew there were no guarantees it would be with me till it became a permanent part of me.  4 days.... just 4 days,, how does that happen????!!!!!! 

It is easy to remove a band aid that has inferior adhesive even after a period of time they just sorta come loose around the edges and it hurts less and less as those edges lift slowly. It is also usually easy to remove one that is newly adhered because it hasn't had time to really settle in and get stuck really tight, however this band aid had an adhesive to me sorta like what kryptonite is to Superman or a bryer to a favorite pair of pants. I don't know how it happened other than having lots in common with this band aide and apparently the chemistry was too overpowering to stop the extremely tight bond it had on me in just, did I mention,,, 4 DAYS!!! 

The scary thing is even though this removal has hurt like hell I can honestly say that I would do it again! And just like we have all had happen that band aide that we ripped off and folded up somehow misses the garbage can or somehow finds its way back and while I know this band aide should safely stay in that receptacle till there is no more chance it would never ever be there again, and if it should happen to find it can't stay there and should happen to resurface after a time I would welcome it back gladly! 

The sad but truth.....

is that nobody will ever accuse me of being intelligent where men are concerned.  I zig when I should zag, I hop when I should hip I just can't do what I need to at the right time.  I always tell my kids that they should learn something from everything they do.  Even if it is to just learn the name of your vitamins that don't hurt your stomach.  Sometimes life is chuck full of thest lessons and sometimes we go along with nary a bump inthe road for a while with no lessons to be learned (and that should teach us to appreciate that time).  

This last couple of weeks have been full of "lessons" for me, and unfortunately like remembering my times tables I need to be reminded that I really need to be practicing them everyday to keep them fresh in my mind! Although unlike my times tables which  just has me reaching for a calculator these lessons were a bit harder learned, which usually means the bosses office with the door closed.  Yep got called on the carpet not bad but nonetheless a good stern look makes me want to cry and run for cover (dang rock where is it when I need it? re. the one I live under). I really did deserve it!  So I have made the necessary changes and well... for me I feel like I am not living up to my potential but this is what the boss wants. This lesson I don't think I will ever learn.  Sometimes I wish I could just really zip my lips!  

The other lesson is really a two parter.  As a general rule I stay away from men who are out of bounds... but sometimes there are some grey areas... which really shouldn't be grey but to rationalize them I let them be grey.  I really need to practice leaving well enough alone and walking away, not a skill I'm good at... but one I need to learn to save heartache and grief! I think I am done practicing these lessons for one week, and will just stick with playing with paper and thankfully doing hair.  The funny thing is if I had stuck to doing just that I wouldn't need the alll this instruction!

All that aside,,, I had called a friend and he was busy and couldn't talk and I didn't think a thing of it... but a day or so later which was last night he called and apologized that he couldn't talk to me and offered to leave me alone... he is really a sweet guy,,, I have reservations about him though he is like uhhmmm alot alot younger than me,, but he doesn't seem it,,, and he says I don't see my age!  LOL funny thing is he thought I was 10 yr younger than what I was! Talk about flattered! I really am looking forward to the next time I see him, which will probably be next weekend,, since I have been going up there he wants to come down here,, so I think that would be great! Sooo I need to get this place in shape by then! 

Let us hope for a lesson free week!  OHH one other lesson I learned 3 days is tooo long to let the litterbox goooo PEEEE UUUUUUUUUU!

OYYYy!!!

I have been pondering this question for as along as I have been on these dating sites! Sigh are there any guys out there NOT so ingrained with sports they have other activities on their mind other than sex... which sometimes they are too polite to say it but I think when they say sports they really mean sex!  My headline has gotten quite a bit of attention,,, it reads...  Wanna Play??!!  OK no maybe the word play has some implications I didn't mean it to have... and wasn't really thinking that way,, cause I am uhhh duhh,,, stupid,, however I do  mean it for the innocent implication which some have gotten... expecially if they have taken the time to read my little "about me" section,,, which by the way I so hate never know what to say,, "yep I'm weird message me to find out???" I liked this one guy's he said,,,"There is no way I can tell you all about me here so if you want to know message me." So I did,,  It was a good one I thought,,, OYYY I am sure that I won't find my soulmate under any of these premises!  But it will be nice to get out of the house sometimes... grin,, speaking of which have a date tonight movies and here for drinks... yikes... I sooo need to clean,,, 

Of course then there is Anthony,, you know if that boy would give me any indications of how he feels about me it would be better,, but I think he is one of those macho guys who has to uhm have everything right before he can possibly say how he feels.. oyy!  He has the ability to make me sooo dang happy and so dang mad I could scream!  So the jury is still out and I am not stopping my quest while he may or may not be getting ready to tell me he has feelings for me... he did tell me he missed me the other day on the phone, that was nice. I have also decided not to count the times he told me he loved me while being intoxicated, so that leaves me in the "what the hell does he think and feel about me" boat. 

In other news... I have been very sick.  It all began on Tue, I got up with somewhat of a tooth ache in my upper very back molar which had a crown on it.  I didn't think I ever had a crown put on without a root canal so I was thinking this can't be an abscess so I went to work and by morning it was hurting pretty good. Enough to make me stop at the dentist office on the outside chance they would work me in,, they did better however they gave me an apt. for 11 by this time I was in sooo much pain I did take an old vicodin before I left.  I get in there and yep it is abscessed,,, and he does a root canal.  Usually after this is done it takes about 24 hours before the pain is all gone but it gets better over the 24.  I go to work Wed  night and have a hard time working as it is hurting terribly and I am taking a pain pill here and there thankfully morning comes and I come home and go to bed, forgetting about a client that wanted her bangs done so she wakes me and I do her hair,,, and go right back to bed,,, still in pain and not feeling well.  I wake up close to 4 call the dentist office and tell them that it is getting worse... so they call in an antibiotic and more vicodin ohhhh it was terrible having to go get it but I did and got back home took the medicine and went back to bed.  Got up and went to work feeling horrible, but couldn't afford to miss work and I wasn't contagious I was running a fever at this point didn't realize it because it came on slowly but by 4 am I couldn't take it and called my mgr and asked if there was anyway I could get someone in to relieve me.  So I finished I work and waited with some help from my friend Carol who delivered my papers for me.. I owe her! My relief rolled in at about 6:30... whaa whoo half an hour early but still it was better than nothing. I came home and tried to cancel my hair apts for the day  but only got ahold of one so I did the first and left a note for the 2nd and went to bed.  I was still in so much pain I didn't want to even move my eyes...since my stomach was feeling sick I decided to do Alevve instead of pain pills and when I woke when Kay got here I was feeling better NO fever... thankfully,,, I was beginning to feel better... she left and I ate some cream of wheat and went back to sleep... and slept waking only to look at the time about 8 times from 4 pm till I got up at 8 am this morning,,, Im tired and my mouth still hurts but the pain is manageable and centralized in my tooth not throughout my head like it was.

I think I might clean up and shower then sleep till time to get ready for my date!  whaa whoo!  

I hope everyone is having a good day!

The Anniversary of the Cell Phone

The cell phone turned 40 yesterday,,, and I got a text from a special friend telling me that.  I already knew this because a while back he was telling me about that,,, and it is a very ironic that he makes his living of those very apperatices, and it is also very very ironic that he turned 40 yesterday too.  Yes ladies and gents I am sorta dating seeing or something a younger man.  Although he sometimes acts like it and sometimes.. not.

I often thought I wanted more passion and emotion and enthusiasm well I got it,,, I can honestly say that I now have that!  I love the way he grins when he is thinking something mischievous, I love the way he appreciates things about me that I never knew I did or was, I also love the way  he chuckles and I can hear the smile on his face over the phone.  The down side is he can also make me so furious I could scream... but in his defense he told me in one of the early conversations we had he said he would at some point make  me want to slap him..I said "OHHH no  you won't,,, I'm not like that," I said...well lets see,,, yep he was true to his word,,, but the funny thing is I love the package,,, He has a way of diffusing my anger when all I want to do is yell at him,,, he says something which totally takes the wind out of my sails and somehow makes me smile and I can't help but not be angry any more.  Not sure if he does this on purpose or if he does it without thinking.  I'm not sure but I think he is really cool!

Soooo other than that working is going well... I do love my shift,,, and I am sooo very proud of myself, I got my tax exempt to balance,,, found an error that made me off by $90 that if I do say so myself... was not an easy thing to find.  I guess while I am blowing my own horn I should mention that I got not one but two glowing and I mean gushing, the people stayed one night after the other one asked for comment card the other emailed Holiday Inn... whaa whoo... amazing,,, and they mentioned me by name!! How cool is that,, usually it is the front desk girls that get all the accolades!  It is just really cool... and I appreciated the time they took to leave the wonderful words!!!!

Well it is once again bedtime!! I hope life is being good to you!!!

Really???

Yes I am really happy and it seems by now which is about 3 months since the last post the most everyone knows about the divorce (was final on Feb. 5th) and where I'm at and has accepted it even those who really were very unsupportive to say the least. The kids seem to adjusting too which helps to make me really happy. I have been working full time nights long enough that my life has taken on a nice routine.  Work always has it's ups and downs especially when working with all women,,, yeah,,, humm why did I quit working in a beauty shop so many  years ago?? OHH yeah,,, working with all women is very difficult! I don't let work rule my world though I still have way to much good going on that it is so the least of my worries. I just leave it all there! They don't pay me enough to worry about it!

(Excuse me for the following disclaimer)

If you are my family and would rather not hear about my dating life then feel free to not follow me any longer.  

OK,,, I have been feeling my way through this whole new "beginning." Dating is so different and dare I say it,, weird!  I haven't done a whole lot mostly because I don't get out to meet anyone and most of the people I do talk to are online which we all know that there is a lot of talk and little action when it comes to online friends.  However there are a few I don't know if I could live without!  They are near and dear to my heart and I haven't even met them and probably won't, but they are there to listen and give advice even though I don't want to hear it most of the time it is spot on and I do need to think about it. I guess you can't call that dating but it is nice to have male friends to talk to!

I have met one person who has the ability to make me weak in the knees with just a smile, who in the same min. can make me so angry I could literally bite him!  Who I have spent hours and hours with on the phone.  Who came to visit for 3 weeks and to be honest I haven't had that much fun in a long long time.  We had a snowball fight that turned into snow war I guess since we were using shovels to throw snow at each other. We had a water battle and ended up having to mop the floor.  We also played Wii bowling which I hadn't done in a long time and it was really really fun! Where this is going I don't know, because he hasn't told me yet!  Ok he doesn't know where his next job is going to be.  If you haven't gotten it yet he is not local.  He is currently in GA and is a contractor that does wireless communication stuff! Yup read his resume and I still don't have a clue what he does...... Over my head!

Now I'm sure you are all wondering how we met,,, right????  Well, unfortunately it is 2:20 and I need to be hitting the hay because I have to work tonight so I will post again soon!  So stop back by and see!  

What's New??

I love that question... I ask my clients that when I see them for cuts and such,,, or run into them at the store. I also ask old friends I haven't seen or talked to in a while and while it is such a basic 2 word sentence it sometimes reveals some very very shocking and interesting information.  

I know that I have done my own share of shock when people would ask me that and I would nonchalantly reply, "my address" and "facebook status."  Ok I never really said the whole facebook status thing but most didn't know how to take the new address thing.  Or I would say, "I'm almost divorced." The really bad thing about that is I hate sensationalism; however I would word the answer to that very question in hopes of just that! Yeah I'm bad.  

Although most everyone now knows the situation or has some sort or idea, and are one of two things.. supportive or quiet.  I prefer the former but still having a few issues with my brother and my dad they still haven't gotten over it and are rather standoffish which is better than saying things to make me feel horrible which don't change anything they just hurt incredibly bad. The funny thing is they are the only 2 having a problem. 

For example... I am so excited about Thanksgiving because I have been talking to the kids (I talk to Kay most every night) about the holiday and Kay told me that Don didn't really want to go to Jill's this year,,, so I said I would talk to them (meaning Don and Paul) about it soon.  I talked to Paul this morning and ohh my gosh,, we had a nice visit... and he told me Don was thinking of having Thanksgiving dinner there but he didn't know the particulars.  

I'm thinking ohh nice,,, so I called Don and he said yep he would like to do that and eat around noon, I was like whaa whooo I didn't think I would get a thanksgiving dinner with my family as I have to work and I thought they would go over to Jill's and they are eating too late for me to get back and get to bed.  So I will be making my squash stuff and baking it and making a pumpkin roll and taking it out with me Thanksgiving morning and spending the morning with them and after dinner coming home to bed the kids are wanting to go to Jill's afterwards and Don happily laughed and said,, "and I will stay home and watch football!" 

So this year I am very very thankful for my family the whole dang thing!  I am super excited I will get a Thanksgiving dinner with my immediate family and still get to be home at a decent time to sleep for work!  And my kids want to spend time with my family's holiday too!  OHH By the Grace of God my Life is Good!!!!  

I hope everyone else is going to have the kind of holiday that is wonderful for them!  

Truly a New Beginning....

This blog was originally named New Beginnings because it was renamed to be a reg. blog not a vacation one, however little did I know it was going to take on a whole new meaning.

I have a new beginning which for some see as a great thing but yet others have done everything from cry when I told them to getting angry and down right mean.  It has not been an easy "new beginning" but easier than some have had it.  I have left my husband and am living in a small apt. with the cat... Huntzberger and to be honest I am happier for the most part than I have been in years.  I never really knew why I was rather depressed for a long time.  I knew things weren't exactly as I would like them with Don but I thought I could deal with it and accept him for all that he is more or less.  

I have struggled with being happy for the last decade or so but I always had the kids as a distraction and could convince myself I was happy with the way things were.  The last few years however with the kids growing away more and more and the solitude and lack of physical love and human emotion became more and more prevalent in my life. I no longer could journal and find the good or the humor in things and I eventually had to take medication to help and then it needed to be increased.  I realized with the terminal illness that finally took my mother in law that I didn't want to live a life I couldn't honestly say I was happy living. After caring for her for the last few months of her life and seeing what it was like at the end I decided I wanted to live life to the fullest potential I can. I think I knew for a long time that I needed a New Beginning but was just to complacent and scared to go forward.

I  love my little apt.  it isn't much to look at but well.. the landlord is the sweetest thing on feet and ohhh he is British and ohhh man he has the most wonderful accent so I  love talking to him well actually listening to him and he has the greatest stories. I noticed the gutter was coming loose and called him the other day to let him know it would cost him an arm and a leg to repair them before it got ripped out with the next big rain.  So I invited him in for coffee... he is just tooo funny.  I love visiting with him.  He is entirely too funny, and has the bluest eyes... mmm 

I guess this might be a bomb for some but for the most part I want to begin "journaling" again, time permitting I also have a full time job working at a hotel as a night auditor.  I love it!!!  It works for me!! 

I am very happy and like getting to know me again.  I didn't realize how much I policed my behavior, so it is all a good thing.  I hope Don is as happy as I am... my intentions were not to hurt him and it really is a no fault situation neither of us did anything blatantly wrong, sometimes stuff just happens.  I hope the kids can, with time, realize that we are better off apart than together and can adjust to that. (more to come on that subject)

So I am needing to be heading off to bed but I thought I would share with my friends I have missed and I hope will still be there to read what I might have to say.  :)

You know what they say....

As you get older time speeds up... well I am truly believing this because it just seems like the days have sped by for me this past couple of months...

Sooooo much has happened since July 2011,,,, Sept. '11 Mother in law was diagnosed with cancer of the colon or ovaries and since it has been there since Jan and has been growing aprox. 1 cm a month to become an 8 cm mass they said there was nothing they could do,,, so she came home and I took care of her best I could and she passed away on Feb 8, 2012.  My marriage is beyond the rocks and headed for the burmuda triangle...  went sorta nuts and was an emotional mess from about OHHH mid Dec. till about mid March I would say but doing way better now.  I got a job as a night auditor just 2 nights a week at the Holiday Inn Express in town.  Loving it!!! Started that the week before my birthday! April arrived and Paul graduated from college...

I am so proud of my boy,,,,, he also got a job at the University at Buffalo or UB as a techincal specialist,,, pretty much doing the same job he was doing at Pitt!  YAY so we spent 3 day looking for finding and securing an apt. and the next week 3 days moving him in.  He is all settled and happy  had his first 2 days and is liking it!  So it is all good. So time has been flying by and I dont' seem to get anything done...LOL Here are some photos the first one is his dinner the night before....graduation and the others are at graduation.

I will try (Iknow I say this all the time) to do better posting here.  I miss writing.  :)

More trouble than their worth?

As you might know I have a cat.  I say I and not we as if anything were to happen to the cat I would be the one paying for it soooo I have a cat even though the family really likes him, even if they won't say it!  My cat was born outside and I came by him out of my hate of hypocrisy. I don't like when people don't take responsibility for animals they obtain and the newness wears off so they just let them run-a-muck! Well we have had some cats that are feral and usually stayed away from the house but this one had kittens and I saw them out the window and was like OHHH good more mousers!  Well at the time my precious doggy was very old and would only eat her dog food if it had water on it, and once the water was soaked up she wouldn't eat it so I was regularly throwing dog food out  off my deck not thinking of course who I might be feeding well... Momma showed the babies where a food source was and went on her way,,, leaving 4 kittens, cute ones... to fend for themselves.  OHHH what an idiot I am.


A word to the wise here, think about what you want to do and how it might affect the environment!


So now I have 4 kittens on my deck crying for food, which I take responsibility whether I did it on purpose or not, I was feeding those kittens who would die if I didn't keep it up.  So I begin the adopting of these feral kittens and they won't let us touch them, OK fine they disappear, problem solved, 2 come back, problem not solved, try to give them away can only catch one! So all I have left is the grey fuzzy one who is rather cute but very very skitish.  Over the summer we get him sorta tamed along with a cute black and white one, which get given away to a good friend who loves cats! Short and long (I know too late) I get him fixed and he is welcomed inside and is a good kitty.  Till he believes he needs to feed us and brings us a mouse which isn't dead and is loose in the house freaking the kids out.  What wuss!  Ok I was something of a wuss when it was in on my dresser at the foot of my bed one night.  I freaked but I put traps out and we caught him and returned him to nature well less well than when he left it.  However when this was all going on, where was the stupid cat?  The one who brought home food or toy not sure which was on his mind at the time. I'm thinking toy because he wasn't dead. He was outside and wouldn't come in when we called as dusk.  No doubt wondering where is toy was... stupid cat!  

Well that was a few weeks ago maybe a month, and Don told me last night he felt something crawl up his leg and it wasn't the cat. GRRR!  When did he do this again?????  Guess I'll be buying some more of those sticky box traps to put around and maybe some snappy ones under the couch.  

So tell me why do I have more mice in the house with a can then when we didn't have a cat???  Is he more trouble than he's worth???  

I guess my dad was right when he said cats were pets just like wives.  You feed them, give them shelter, take care of them (debatable with my hubby) and all you get is some amusement if your lucky!  Yes I'm a pet... good thing I amusing!  Good thing the cat is cute and has the ability to supposedly lower my blood pressure but I'm not sure about that either!

Anyone want a cat?  He's cute!

Just a thought...

about Bin Ladin... noooo I've wasted enough of my life thinking and talking about him and his kind.  So I will be asking a quick question Why do most people have a look or pain on their face when they are jogging/running?  I noted the few people who were running today while I was out and about did not look to be enjoying their activity. As a matter of fact most of them looked like they were just told they would be having a brazillian wax every day!  So... if anyone knows why people do something that makes them make such a horrible face feel free to post a comment.

I'm ready for spring!

I do believe that sometimes I admit to sticking my head in the sand an ignoring things, and I sometimes think this is a good thing, however... hummm maybe these days it isn't.  These are just a few of the thoughts floating about in my head.  

Picture this if you will a large pond or lake, body of water, with pretty trees and flowers and benches but in a very private place, a serene place. Now imagine looking out over the water seeing many thing floating there. This is the inside of my head... well my reality, I guess you would say,,, I know much prettier in the visual description than the anatomy description, so we will stick with that.  Right now my pretty serene place is full to the brim with "seaweed" if you will of thoughts.  Here are just a few pieces of "seaweed" from today, "why am I letting every little thing bother me?" "Why am I so unhappy no depressed??"  "Why do I feel guilt over not feeling more grief over mom's loss?"  "Why do I feel like something is winding me up until I explode in either anger or tears?"  "Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?"  "Am I buying into a fad "condition" (meaning depression), or is this a real problem relating to hormones." "Is this a self imposed pressure cooker I'm in??" 

All these things are clouding my nice clear visage of a beautiful smooth lake with all the goodness around it unable to be reflected. Is it just a winter thing?  Am I not getting enough Vit. D & K because I don't eat a nice balanced diet.  Will spring be the answer to clear the "seaweed" away and show my inner beauty again?  Will the spring rains cleanse away the debris?  

In any case I am ready for spring and really want to see green grass and feel warmth on my face. 

Defining Moments In Time

We’ve all experienced moments that have changed our lives, the big ones like getting married and having a baby and other monumental events that change our lives forever, well just till we die.  Today I don’t want to talk about obvious defining moments I am thinking of moments that sneak up on you and you may or may not know they are defining moments.  

I can honestly say I haven’t ever rushed into a burning building to rescue someone or even push someone out of the way of an oncoming bus.  Ok I can’t say I have done anything remotely like that and for the most part I am the most boring average person you will ever meet.  So my defining moments are those that have that have changed me in a way that changes the way I see the world or react to situations in a drastically different way or even helped me to understand where others point of view.  I have had occasion to realize one of those moments which when it occurred I didn’t see it for what it was I had to do a lot of processing and I do mean a few years of processing to get to the place I am now.  Funny how unless something is tested we aren’t even sure that a change has taken place.  I’m sure you will understand more after this story which by the way is true to the best of my recollection.  

Go back a few Thanksgivings….. I’m not sure of the year but I am sure of the event.  My Dad calls and says Mom is running a temperature and will be taking her to Greenville’s ER, now this is about a week after a “sludge removal” procedure done in at UPMC hospital in Pittsburgh.  Yes “sludge removal” was the ohh so technical term for an ERCP which for the life of me I can’t remember what each letter stands for but it was to remove sludge from the common bile duct.  A common complication this procedure  is pancreatitis, which is terribly painful but easily treated with no food for 2 to 3 days just IV fluids then clear liquids then soft food and you are good to go.  The other complication is where the bile duct, stomach or small intestine gets ruptured which causes sepsis that can lead to death at the worst and at best the shutdown of organs temporarily, been there done that with Mom, wasn’t a good time, but that is a whole other story.  This didn’t scare me much because I figured it was the pancreatitis and not sepsis so I knew it wasn’t overly life threatening so I told Dad that I would be down as soon as I could.  In the meantime they decided that since the procedure was done in Pittsburg they weren’t going to mess with admitting her there and send her right down where the procedure was first done, Joyce I do believe was with him and so I wasn’t worried.

The next day was Thanksgiving and by late evening everyone knew about Mom being down in Pittsburgh and the last time she was there she ended up on life support.  Anyhow… I decided that they shouldn’t be down there alone on the holiday so I was going to go down in the morning and for the most part the rest of the family would straggle down at some point being a holiday and all.  So I packed up Daddy a plate of dinner but before I could get out of here Joyce called and said Sue was panicked and she was too afraid to drive in the city but wanted to go ASAP.  I was like,,, inner groan… yeah so I called her and she wanted to go and being the nice sister I am I picked her up and took her. 

Things between have been rather stressed between us to put it mildly, and for years I have been trying to get my older siblings to like me and want to do stuff with me, but for the most part they weren’t having any of it.  So the ride down went OK but I felt a very large pink elephant sitting in the back seat the whole 2 hour drive but we chatted about nothing to pass the time.  The visit went well and it was just as I expected and Mom was already on the mend.  

Here is where the defining moments come in to play, on the way home that very large elephant would not be ignored any longer. Finally at one point Sue asks me, “What do you want from me?”  I answered with “I want you to love me like a sister.”  Then the moment came and with crashing reality my sister said to me, “but I have never thought of you as a sister.”  I was dumbstruck.  What do you say to that!  So I cried, and tried not to cry but failed as I finished the drive home with her telling me about how Mom wasn’t there for her and wasn’t a real grandma to her kids and so on and so forth then she went on to explain that I worried too much about having friends and I needed to learn to only need my family (husband and kids) and not worry about the rest.  Well needless to say I was so hurt I had idolized her my whole life!  So I dropped her at her house and come home, one hurt and rejected piece of a person.  More or less she didn’t think of me as a sister and didn’t need/want any more friends.  That ride back from Pittsburgh was one of the most defining times of my life concerning my siblings. 

I have always wanted to be loved and accepted by my older siblings and I do mean older Pat is 22 yrs. my sr., she is the oldest and moved out before I was born, and the youngest of the older 4 is 14 yrs. my sr.  We three younger kids who were raised together are really close, but they are more accepted by the older ones, but me nope! 

Fast forward to a bit over 2 weeks ago, Mom is dying in the hospital and all 7 of us kids are coming to spend time with her.  Pat flies in from WA and we are keeping someone there with Daddy all the time.  Well, I always knew I had screwy issues with my siblings but not with my parents I was very close to my Mom.  We spent a lot of time together over the years so I have no regrets and nothing that has went unsaid and I realized that Mom loved me and did the very best she could while raising me, that is all a child can ask in my opinion.  Apparently Sue who from that fateful night had her own demons concerning Mom but she was very quiet about it.  I know she had trouble with it but I tried to comfort her.  Pat on the other hand just had man demons and when she was helping the hospice nurse give her a bath Mom called asked for me, which really kicked her jealousy into overdrive since it was her fault I wasn’t there. Earlier she has literally dragged me from the room like a misbehaving little child and then chastised me. She must have missed the memo that I was now 44 and not 4!  I was upset and needed to go blow off some steam and talk myself out of doing bodily harm!  Just as I was hurry out to leave Joyce pulled us aside to ask about Mom’s obituary when I went to leave I told Joyce I trusted that whatever it was she did would be perfect and I said bye and turned to go, well not sure what happened, but the next thing I know Pat said “I love you” and I must have had a look on my face because she gave me that mommy look that says you are in big trouble and put her finger to lips like to shush me!  I have no idea what that was about but I turned and left.  Sorry it has taken so long to get to here, but another defining moment is coming right up! 

As I was driving home (I had an hour) I realized that I no longer wanted or needed my older siblings to either like me or acknowledge me, and that Sue wasn’t trying to be hurtful or malicious she was just being honest with her feelings and while it hurt me horribly I am glad she didn’t lie to me she just told me how it was.  When Pat told me she loved me the only thing I could think of was, what??  You don’t even know me and pretty much have thought and said not so nice things about me behind my back.  At this point I realized that when Sue was honest and I was hurt it was what I needed to let go of lots of issues I had and to allow others to claim their own and be responsible for them.  I felt sorry for Sue, even though she knew Mom at a different time in her life than I did and has so many issues she was losing her mom too, while I was hurting because I was losing a person who was a big part of my everyday life I had no regrets and it was OK for me to let her go.  I had a harder time coming up with sympathy for Pat who at a few different times that week yelled at me and was less than civil to me but I do forgive her mostly because she is so filled with emotions such as regret, guilt, and even though I can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would be jealous of me but yes I do think she was carrying some of that too.  I hope that both my sister’s can overcome their ‘demons’ and remember the love that our mom had for them, she wasn’t perfect but she loved us with every fiber of her being.  

So one defining moment a few years ago lead to another one, and because of that first one I found a sense of peace.  I was able to hold my tongue and still be nice to Pat even though she was something of a shrew to me a few times. I do pray for both of them. 

Not all defining moments are monumental some aren’t even recognizable for what they are till you can realize the impact they have had on you.  I can now lay to rest all the issues I have with my older siblings and know I am good person and I’m less screwed up than I thought I was.  I don’t need their approval or even their friendship if they aren’t offering it.  Now all I have to do is not get irritated at the stupid things they say!  That I doubt will ever change. 

How Are You?

I’m sure you noticed that people often ask you when something has happened in your life, “How are you doing?”  I haven’t figured out how to respond to this question yet.  “How are you?” used to be just a benign question that no one really wanted a sincere answer to, but it has taken on more feeling and meaning since Mom died and I don’t know how to answer it. 

I used to say “Ohhh I’m just wonderful and you?”  That just doesn’t cut it; they look at me with a worried expression, like I’m not dealing or something.  I’m dealing just fine, I think,,, but saying that is awkward and not an expected answer.  So what do you say when some asks??  Are they being concerned for my emotional welfare and wanting to know exactly how I am doing or are they just really asking “how are you?”  as a greeting and not really knowing anything has gone on that would make me other than “wonderful?”  

I never really thought I would have this much trouble answering such a simple question,,, really there is only 2 answers that apply, I am Ok or I am not Ok.  I guess if I started answering with I’m  not OK people would then become concerned that something is really wrong but then again if I answer I’m OK then do they get concerned that I’m just saying that when I’m not really OK.  

I’m also wondering here this morning how long this goes on?  When will “wonderful” be an excepted answer to this question whether it is asked out of concern or just a greeting?  

I guess I’m in that whole 2 yr old mentality of asking “Why” this morning.  I really want to get back to writing on a regular basis and this is a good reason to I do believe, however I don’t want to go back to mundane “Yep, this is what I’m doing today.”  I want to sharpen my skills and write using words not heard in normal conversation or basic text.  I was think I wanted to write either thought provoking passages or interesting content but unfortunately I need to read great works to get back to writing like a writer not just someone who puts words on the paper.  

This was inspired by Kayla who is re-submitting her grad school applications and needed help with her essays.  She would write them and I would help with the grammar and vocabulary.  It was fun, well it would have been more fun however had I had the time to concentrate and enjoy it, but that was during the 10 days while Mom was in the hospital which now seems something of a blur.  Nonetheless I am going to try some writing exercises if I can find any online and see if I can’t push myself beyond the same old same old.  

Amazingly enough it has only taken me all day to write this.  Ok so I worked and had dinner and enjoyed some goofing off fun with Don and Kay!

Mourning is a funny thing...

If you haven't heard by now my Mom had a New Beginning in Heaven on Oct. 7.  It has been a long summer with her knee becoming so inflamed and painful she couldn't walk on it and those idiots at the ER didn't even bother to try and drain it so mom suffered with that for just over 2 months when on Monday Sept. 27 she had some sort of heart or stroke event which prompted Dad to call 911.  They wanted to admit her because the enzymes were indicating a heart attack on the horizon but they had to transfer her to another hospital for monitoring because they had no open beds.  As she was getting ready to go her BP dropped out and her HR went sky high they gave her medicine to bring it back in line and then transferred her.  Of course all of us kids went to the hospital immediately and by that time Dad had made the decision that only comfort measures be given.  He had a hard time with this and I'm glad we were there to support him.  He had already been up for over a day with only cat naps as he does.  The next 10 days were really rough like a roller coaster.  By Tue evening Mom was able to make sense again with her words, earlier in the day she had thoughts but the right words weren't coming out of her mouth so being able to talk again was a great improvement.  Wed. morning dawned grey but Mom was much much better to the point where she could eat and although I fed her some or her breakfast she ate the rest of it.  Dad had gotten some sleep in the reclining chair but I really just couldn't sleep so I held Mom's hand and thought of the good times and how tired I was... LOL but Wed. was a good day and my sister from WA had flown in the in the early morning and got there about 11.  I stayed with them till late afternoon then needed to come home and get some rest. 


Since Mom was doing so well I assumed, and we all know what that makes out of you and me.... that Pat was going to spend some time with Mom and Dad  but she didn't and I was furious when I found out Dad spend the whole day alone until evening when Jill and Jack and Sam went down.  Daddy sounded so tired and worn out when I called Thurs. evening and then didn't sound much better when I called in the morning that I canceled my Friday appts. on my book and took off for the hospital. I spent the most wonderful day with my parents that day and was sorry I couldn't have spent the day before with them but I thought Pat would want to spend some time alone with Mom while she was doing better.  But it was a wonderful day and I enjoyed my parents then very much!

Kay went with me on Sat. morning and she got to see her gram when she would look over at her and smile with recognition we made a game of her eating, which she really didn't want to do, but I would say "ohh one more bite,,, it will make Kayla happy...."  and she would look over at Kayla and she would say "YAY Grandma"  Mom would smile and take another bite.  Most of the other kids were in that day to spend time with them.  It was good because Mom knew us and enjoyed seeing us, and I think in her own way she was trying to connect because she knew it was getting close to the end.

She continued to decline through the next few days, still being semi lucid at times enough to recognize us and ask for us.  I helped the Hospice nurse when they started Monday to bath her a couple times and we were trying to keep her as comfortable as possible.  We kids took turns staying with Daddy so he wouldn't be alone. 

On Wed Dad and Joyce when to make the funeral arrangements, it was good to get Dad out of the hospital but I think it was hard for him to do it.  He didn't want anything no personal stuff sitting around like photos or anything  nothing not even a slide show,, with calling hours just an hour and a half before the funeral mass at the church. 

I think that was the hardest day for my Dad and I wish I could  have shouldered his pain that day, I'm glad Joyce was there to help with all of it.  She did a great job.  I will forever be thankful to her.

I was there most of the day on Wed. with Pat which was a horrible day she just has soooo many demons of her own that she took it out on me more than once that week.  I hope someday she can rid herself of them.  I've been told many times that she is jealous of me which I find totally preposterous I am nothing special to be jealous of.   I had learned one thing though at a young age which some never learn and some learn much later in life and that is to live without regrets.  I make choices based on that one thing.  When the kids were little and I was debating as to let them go in cars with other people I thought about that.  It did make me a more cautious parent I do believe, but if something had happened I wouldn't have had the guilt of "why didn't I" and I applied this to all other aspects of my life too, especially when it came to my parents getting older, and I worried about them and loved spending time with them so it was a good thing all around. 

Mom and I had talked about her quality of life, or lack there of, and how she wanted to do things but her body just wouldn't cooperate, and then as the years went on she got to the point where even her mind didn't want to do anything but sit and watch TV.  She told me she wished they wouldn't have brought her back when she was on the respirator the last time.  So I knew she was OK with it and told her that I would be OK if she were to go.  When I think back those were some of the best times with Mom and that drive let us talk a lot about life and my kids and her relationships and such.  So I have no regrets as to my Mom passing I am having a bit of sadness and missing her just this past day or two but it is OK and I'll be just fine as we all will.

Now on to the "funny" thing about mourning,,,, it is a sneaky thing; things will be going just fine and it sneaks up on you and wham there ya go just blubbering for no apparent reason. It also provokes people to do things differently that they normally would because of a feeling or an experience. Which is a good thing most of the time unless one lets a bitterness seep in and take them over.  I pray that none of us ever have to feel that. 

I know this sounds so analytical but that is how I usually try to think of things in that way when they are too close to my heart.  Speaking of which (I sell Close To My Heart scrapbooking stuff) I plan to make a nice memory album in memory of Mom. 

So I'm sure that as time goes on I will cling to the good memories and that will only bring me continued joy.  So mourning is a funny thing.